


The Perfect Escape

by alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Lemon, M/M, Weirdness, by 0083
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 15:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13527267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist/pseuds/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist
Summary: by 0083Angst and more angst, sprinkled with large chunks of angst





	1. Forgetting

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

Duo dashed away his tears angrily, biting his lips against the oncoming wail. The pain was unbearable, pounding away at his heart and soul like a sharp edged hammer.  
  
'Damn you, Heero.'  
  
More tears fell and he could no longer hold back the screams that he had held back. His lungs exploded and a cry permeated in sorrow broke through the silent air before him.  
  
'Damn you, Heero.'  
  
Duo cried and screamed until he had no energy. Even then, he felt his heart scream louder than his voice had. Wearily, Duo looked around the apartment that he and Heero shared.  
  
'Had shared..'  
  
Duo's body shook in dry sobs as he sank onto the hardwood floor of the bedroom he and Heero had shared for the last year. In the eerie silence, Duo imagined that he could hear his heart rip.  
  
'He left me.'  
  
Bitterness and disbelief coated his dulled violet eyes.  
  
'He left me for.. Her.'  
  
Anger and betrayal etched themselves onto his beautiful face.  
  
'I can't stand this.'  
  
With that final thought, Duo closed his eyes and fell into exhausted slumber.  
  
+  
  
Somewhere far beneath the surface of the earth, a being felt Duo's pain. Usually, this being relished in the negative emotions of the human race, but this particular human, this Duo Maxwell, exhibited suffering that repulsed even him. For the first time in the being's existence, he swam up to the surface of the mortal realm with one objective in mind – to end Duo Maxwell's suffering.  
  
+  
  
"Wake up, mortal."  
  
Duo groggily lifted his head at a slightly amused voice whispering into his ear.  
  
"What the.."  
  
When Duo opened his eyes, he was greeted with a face that he never expected to wake up next to. His own.  
  
"Oh. I have gone insane. That's nice."  
  
His clone merely laughed at him.  
  
"No. You're not insane, so don't be so glum. I'm here to do you a favor, you know."  
  
Duo pondered about the depth of his insanity. If it had a sense of humor, being bonkers could not be that bad.  
  
"You're going to do me a favor? That's good. I can really use one right now."  
  
His insanity induced clone smiled.  
  
"So, what is it that you wish, Duo Maxwell?"  
  
The being who had taken Duo's form watched in silence as the mortal pondered the question. Some of his brethren had done this wish thing before to mortals in pain and the mortals had always asked for escape from pain. Usually, the solution was death. He wondered if the mortal would ask for the same thing everyone else did. Somehow, he doubted it. This mortal was different.  
  
"Well, my clone that my crazy mind has conjured up, I wish to forget."  
  
The being sighed. Maybe Duo Maxwell was not so different as he had hoped.  
  
"Is that all..."  
  
So it was death this mortal desired. Easy escape, death.  
  
"No, that's not all."  
  
The being raised his eyebrows at the mortal's tone. It was as hot as the flames of his home.  
  
"You see, I don't just want to forget. Too easy. I want to stop feeling pain. I want to stop feeling anything that makes me like this, ever again."  
  
"You want to escape pain by stop feeling?"  
  
"No escaping. I don't want to remember that I ever felt this way. I never want to feel this way again. No escape, just a different road."  
  
The being eyed the mortal, thinking about his request. It was most unusual and it had some interesting consequences.  
  
"I can do that for you, mortal. But you should know, if you cannot feel pain, you cannot feel joy. As they say, no pain, no gain."  
  
"Whatever. If pain is the price I pay for joy, I'd rather not have it. Just, no more. I can't do this anymore."  
  
"Fine, mortal. You will have your wish. Just remember, the Devil never deals fairly."  
  
"Neither does Shinigami."  
  
Duo watched as his clone reached out and touched his forehead. For a moment, Duo felt a searing physical pain wrack his body. Then the world went dark and it was over.  
  
+  
  
Trowa squeezed Quatre's hand, trying to pour reassurance into his lover's worried mind. They were both sitting next to a hospital bed that contained one of their closest friends, Duo Maxwell.  
  
A month ago, they had worried because Heero had left Duo to go to Relena for some inexplicable reason. A month ago, they had thought to help Duo through an ordeal. A month ago, they had found Duo lying on the floor of his bedroom, unconscious and unresponsive. A month ago, Duo had been admitted to this hospital and had yet to wake up.  
  
"Do you think he will come back to us?"  
  
Trowa could not answer his love's quiet question. Quatre asked every time they visited and he had yet to come up with a satisfactory answer.  
  
"Do you think he wants to?"  
  
Yet another question with no answer. Trowa struggled to reply, if only to ease the pain in Quatre's heart.  
  
But he could say nothing. Nothing at all.  
  
The clock on the mantle signaled that it was two in the afternoon. It was a beautiful day with sunshine and flowers, the kind of day that Duo would have enjoyed. It was the type of day that Duo would have pestered Heero to go on a picnic with him. It was the kind of day that brought out Duo's inner shine to the fullest.  
  
'So what are you doing on that bed, Duo?'  
  
Trowa's silent question would not be answered either. These days, there were more questions than answers. More worry than happiness. All because of a boy Duo had loved so dearly.  
  
Quatre stood and planted a firm kiss onto Duo's forehead, praying for him to wake and join them in life. Trowa followed the motions, then the two lovers turn to the door to walk out. However, at that same moment, the door opened and a figure walked in.  
  
"Heero.."  
  
Quatre's shocked voice did not seem to register with Heero. He ignored them both and walked to Duo. Heero tenderly pulled back Duo's bangs obscuring his face, smoothing the fine lines of his nose, his cheeks. Then as sudden as his entrance, Heero buried his head onto Duo's chest and cried.  
  
Quatre and Trowa watched stunned as Heero Yuy, the ubiquitous emotionless man cried into his former lover's chest. It was not a gentle cry, but a full blown body shaking wailing kind of cry that put funeral mourners to shame. Quatre winced at the regret, the pain and the sorrow pouring forth from Heero, not believing the intensity of the emotions buffeting his mind.  
  
"I didn't know.. I'm so sorry.. Sorry.."  
  
Heero's mumbled apology cleared the shock in Trowa's mind. He could not feel Heero's pain like Quatre, but he could see it. Still, there was no excuse.  
  
"What are you doing here Heero? Where were you a month ago?"  
  
Heero did not bother to raise his head. He heard the accusation and censure in Trowa's voice. He deserved it all, of course. He deserved that and so much more.  
  
"Do you know what you did to him, Heero? Look at him! Why?"  
  
Quatre put a restraining hand on Trowa's elbow, silently pleading with him not to lose his already precarious temper. It would accomplish nothing at this point in time.  
  
Heero continued to shed his tears, but words finally formed and the story came forth.  
  
"Duo.. Please, wake up. Please. I don't care if you don't forgive me, just wake up. I only left because I was a coward. I could not bear to feel so much. I.. I just.. The way you made me feel.. I was so afraid.. I'm sorry.. Sorry.."  
  
Heero lifted his head and leaned his forehead against Duo's. His words came out in tumbles, desperate to be heard, to be understood.  
  
"Don't you see? I love you so much.. So much that it scared me.. So I ran from you, hoping to find peace.. You made me feel so much.. Always confused, always in turmoil.. Never felt that before you.. It was too much for me, the love I have for you.. So I ran to the person who never made me feel that way.. Please, wake up! Tell me I was an idiot! Tell me you hate me! WAKE UP!"  
  
It was as if Duo heard, because by some miracle, his eyes opened.  
  
"Oh my.. Duo!"  
  
Quatre shouted joyously and ran to the bed. It was not wishful thinking. Violet eyes were really twinkling at him.  
  
"Hey, Quat.. Tro.. Heero.."  
  
His voice was raspy, scratchy from disuse. But it was Duo. He had finally woken up. All it had taken was Heero.  
  
Heero stared at Duo, shocked and ecstatic.  
  
His ecstasy, nor Quatre and Trowa's joy, would last long.  
  
"Why are you all crying?"  
  
Duo looked at his friends with slight amusement tinting his eyes.  
  
"Because we're happy, baka!"  
  
Duo chucked at Quatre. It seemed incongruous, the whole happy thing and the whole crying thing. "Well, if you're happy, you shouldn't cry, right?"  
  
Duo smiled a little when Quatre burst into fresh tears. It seemed that he could say nothing to make him stop. So he turned his attention to Heero who was holding him.  
  
"So, Heero, what's up?"  
  
Heero's breath hitched and his heart came to a near halt. What could he possibly say now to make up for what he had done?  
  
"Duo, I'm sorry."  
  
"Sorry? About what?"  
  
Heero could detect no artifice in the question. Duo was genuinely confused.  
  
"About what? For making you lie in a coma. For causing you pain. I'm sorry."  
  
The words sounded so inadequate. Hell, they were inadequate. Heero searched his vast brain for more suitable words, something to convey how truly sorry he really was and how he was willing to do anything to make it up to Duo. But he never got the chance.  
  
"Pain? What on earth are you talking about?"  
  
Duo's innocent question rocked the foundation of Heero's heart. Did he not remember?  
  
"When I left.. I didn't mean to make you suffer like this."  
  
"Suffer? I don't remember that at all. There was no pain. I'm fine."  
  
Heero could not believe what he was hearing. Maybe Duo really didn't remember. Maybe it was for the best.  
  
"Don't worry, Duo. I'm here to stay. I love you."  
  
Heero put all his emotions into his voice, trying to tell Duo with more than words how much he loved him. It was his first step to redeem himself for Duo.  
  
"That's nice."  
  
A cold uneasiness began to settle in Heero's stomach with Duo's friendly but nonchalant comment. Trowa and Quatre stood by nonplussed at Duo's reaction. The Duo they knew would have lashed out in anger, or maybe would have hugged Heero in joy. There was none of that. There was just a friendly façade, as if Heero's declaration had meant nothing.  
  
"Are you feeling okay, Duo?"  
  
Duo smiled at Trowa. Of course he was okay. What else would he be?  
  
+  
  
In the depth of the earth, the Devil smiled toothily. The mortal, Duo, was awake. And as he had promised, Duo did not remember the pain. Or the joy. He remembered pleasantness, concern, the light emotions. He remembered nothing of love or mind-numbing worry. He would never remember those feelings or experience them again.  
  
The games had begun. 


	2. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by 0083

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

Heero puttered around the kitchen, taking out pans and plates as quietly as possible. The morning sun was just drifting in through the partially opened blinds, telling Heero that Duo would not be up for yet another hour or so. By then, the breakfast should be ready to serve.  
  
Heero made the motions of cracking eggs, stirring the batter in the bowl, all without conscious effort or thought. His mind was occupied by the surreal week he had just spent with his love.  
  
He had known something was not right as soon as Duo woke up, and each day only confirmed that fact more and more. When Heero had told Duo that he would take care of him at their apartment, there had been no reaction. When they had returned a week ago to their place, Duo had shown no resentment, no pain, practically nothing. And for a whole week now, Duo had been content.  
  
Content. It bothered Heero to no end, but he didn't know why exactly. It wasn't as if he wanted Duo to remember the pain he had been through, but what Duo was doing was unnatural. Quatre had told him to lie back and let it go for a while, trying to explain it away as a defense mechanism of some sort. Whatever it was, it was frightening Heero to death.  
  
Heero dribbled some batter onto the pan, watching the batter sizzle. As right as clockwork, Duo stepped out of their bedroom, his hair free from bonds and his eyes still sleepy.  
  
"Morning, Heero. Do I smell pancakes?"  
  
Heero smiled brightly at Duo.  
  
"Yes. Blueberry pancakes. Your favorite."  
  
"Yeah, they are. Nice."  
  
Heero's smile lost a degree of its brightness. These days, everything was nice. The shower was nice. The food was nice. The world was nice. Heero was getting sick of things being nice.  
  
"You used to say that these were the food of gods. You loved these pancakes."  
  
"Yeah. I guess so."  
  
Frustrated, Heero flipped the pancake a little harder than he should have. Little batter spots splattered onto his pristine shirt and counter. Duo merely arched an eyebrow in a curious fashion.  
  
"You feeling okay, Heero?"  
  
"Fine. Just fine."  
  
Duo nodded in satisfaction. He did not understand the bright sheen of tears in Heero's eyes nor the shaking of his hands. After all, he could not understand what he could not remember.  
  
+  
  
Heero watched Duo as he ate his breakfast. Duo occasionally stopped eating to talk about mundane things like the weather and his work at the Preventers. Nothing outrageous or spontaneous poured forth from his mouth. Not like before. Heero felt his food get lodged in his throat, fighting for space with the lump of tears. This Duo sitting before him was not the Duo he remembered. He was not the passionate, emotional man that he had left.  
  
'Duo.. How did I turn you into this?'  
  
Oblivious to Heero's guilt and pain, Duo ate on.  
  
+  
  
Night fell calmly over their part of the earth. Heero and Duo sat on their couch, watching one of Duo's favorite movies. It was a comedy, something that had never failed to make Duo burst into laughter, no matter how many times he had seen it.  
  
Except now, Duo only smiled and let out mild chuckles. He did not bother Heero as usual through the movie with 'did you catch that line Heero? Wasn't that great?' or 'oh man, I can't believe you can sit through this movie without cracking up.' It was eerie.  
  
Heero glanced at Duo, hoping to find signs of hilarity in his eyes. Duo's eyes, no matter how hard Duo tried, never lied. His eyes were always truthful about his emotions. Always. And at this time, they showed nothing Heero wanted to see.  
  
'He has dead eyes.'  
  
Heero looked again and amended his previous thought.  
  
'No. Not dead. Just.. Constant. It's like he only has one neutral emotion. For everything. It's like he only feels a variation of one emotion.'  
  
With that realization, Heero ran to the bathroom to vomit. The idea that Duo Maxwell could not feel anything beyond contentment made him more ill and more frightened than anything else in the world.  
  
"Hey, Heero, you okay in there?"  
  
Heero nearly laughed hysterically. Duo's voice was coated in light concern. Concern. In the past, it would have been full blown worry, if not anxiety and various other emotions Duo was capable of exhibiting. Now it was just a neutral concern, like he was talking to a stranger.  
  
"Fine. Just fine."  
  
But Heero was anything but fine. He had to get back his Duo, the love of his life. The one who laughed. The one who loved. The one who hated.  
  
Anything less was unacceptable, not only to him, but to Duo also.  
  
+  
  
Quatre and Trowa watched Heero and Duo with worry. It was a beautiful day and Heero had dragged all of them out for a picnic lunch. If Wufei had not been away on assignment, he would have been forced to go as well. It was an odd thing, having Heero drag them out instead of Duo. In the past, Duo had used charm, jokes and good natured persuasion to convince them that a picnic was a good idea. Heero had used threats and certain doom.  
  
Now they were all sitting in a nice circle, but only one person was eating. Duo munched away at his sandwich, seemingly content with the world. Heero sat and stared at his food, sending off feelings of misery and loneliness.  
  
Enough was enough, Quatre decided. These two needed an intervention before things got seriously out of control.  
  
"How is the home life?"  
  
At Quatre's question, Duo looked up, his mouth full with his latest bite. He looked at Heero, but it seemed Heero was not going to answer.  
  
"It's nice."  
  
Quatre saw Heero cringe at Duo's response. It was as if Duo had slapped him hard. Something was wrong.  
  
Very wrong.  
  
"Are you still mad at Heero?"  
  
"I never was, silly Quatre."  
  
"Did you guys make up?"  
  
"Nothing to make up for."  
  
"Do you still love Heero?"  
  
"I like him just fine."  
  
With each answer, Heero's misery deepened. Duo, on the other hand, was unaffected, perfectly satisfied with his answers. When Quatre stopped asking, Duo excused himself to go wash up, leaving Heero sitting there with a stunned Quatre and disquieted Trowa. When Duo was out of earshot, Quatre turned to Heero.  
  
"What the hell is going on here, Heero?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Trowa winced. Heero had sounded broken, lost somewhere between horror and misery.  
  
"Tell me what's wrong, Heero."  
  
Quatre's tone brooked no argument. He had to know what was happening to his friends. This strange apparition that masqueraded as Duo and the broken being that claimed to be Heero, they were not the friends he knew.  
  
"Wrong, Quatre? Where can I begin? How about, Duo never says anything beyond 'that's nice'? Or that he likes me? He was never angry, he didn't feel anything when I left. It's like his emotions are on hold."  
  
"Like you during the war?"  
  
At that, Heero exploded.  
  
"NO! Not like that at all! Duo has emotions, just.. I mean, he has them, he expresses them, but it's like someone put parameters around the intensity! It's like.. he can't feel beyond a certain measure.. it's worse than not feeling."  
  
Trowa patted Heero's arm awkwardly when the tears started falling. In a hitched voice, Heero continued.  
  
"He remembers me leaving, but he can't fathom why he should have been in pain. He doesn't remember how happy he was when we first moved in. He doesn't remember being ecstatic when I surprised him for his birthday. He remembers the events, but nothing of the emotions. I tried to explain it, but it was like trying to explain what Beethoven's Ninth sounds like to a deaf person. It's not possible."  
  
Quatre and Trowa sat with Heero, speechless. Duo's condition was something they had never heard of. People shut emotions down when they got hurt _\--_ they knew of no one who could restrict the expansiveness of it. But more than Duo, they worried about Heero. He had finally come to realize his feelings and learned to express them in their fullness to Duo. But it was all for nothing. It seemed to be a little too late.  
  
+  
  
Dinner was a silent affair. Heero did not eat much and Duo did not talk up a storm as he would have in the face of silence. Heero felt the tension, but Duo did not notice it. It was beyond him now.  
  
The silence broke when a discreet knock came at the door. Almost relieved at something to break the deathly quiet, Heero jumped up to answer the door. Duo merely stared, chewing his food thoroughly. Heero regretted opening the door as soon as he saw the person who stood in the hallway.  
  
"Relena."  
  
Relena nervously twisted her fingers in her dress, unsure about what she wanted to say. She looked at Heero plaintively, silently begging for entrance. Heero stepped out of her way and she walked in, only to pause in shock when she saw Duo.  
  
"Duo! You're okay!"  
  
Duo could not help but smile at Relena's befuddled tone.  
  
"I'm fine. How are you doing?"  
  
Confused, Relena looked at Heero, hoping for a helping hand dealing with Duo. However, she found no solace or comfort there. All she saw was Heero looking more miserable than when he had first come to her.  
  
"I.. I'm fine Duo. Um, Duo, can I talk to Heero alone for a second?"  
  
Heero snapped his head up at Relena's request. The Duo he knew would put up a fight, show jealousy, something. A reaction of some kind. But to his dismay, Duo nodded, threw a friendly smile at Relena and vacated the living room in short order.  
  
Heero watched Duo leave, his heart falling with each step he took. It was not right! Duo would never have left. He would never have given Relena that smile. He would never have left Heero alone with her.  
  
"Heero.."  
  
"Leave, Relena."  
  
Hesitantly, Relena touched Heero's arm. She tried not to wince when he jerked it back with enough force to wrench his own shoulder.  
  
"Please, Heero.. I need.."  
  
"Leave, Relena. If you care about me at all, leave."  
  
Heero did not bother to see Relena out. Instead, he strode into the bedroom he shared with Duo to have it out, to demand an explanation, to beg for a reaction.  
  
+  
  
"What the hell was that?"  
  
Duo watched Heero with a puzzled glance while Heero paced up and down their bedroom.  
  
"Why were you so nice to her?"  
  
"You used to get annoyed when I wasn't. So this time, I thought I did the right thing."  
  
Heero could say nothing in return. Duo sounded so damned logical.  
  
"I remember you getting weird whenever I wasn't nice to her, Heero. I don't know why I was mean to her in the first place. She's not a bad person."  
  
Heero could do nothing but concede defeat. How could he explain? How could he tell Duo that he had wanted to see him fume with jealousy and anger instead of the cool calm and polite gentleness he had shown?  
  
Frustrated, hurt and saddened, Heero grabbed Duo and kissed him hard. He poured passion and love into the kiss as much as the anger lurking beneath them. He wanted Duo to feel what he felt before all this happened, feel what he felt for him. He wanted Duo to remember.  
  
Heero felt Duo's lips move beneath his, open up and swallow his breath. But Duo did not tear at his clothes or run his hands up and down his body in urgency. Duo did not touch his exposed skin with feathery tenderness. He did not grind his body into Heero's with a grasping need.  
  
Not giving up his hope, Heero fell onto the bed on top of Duo without breaking contact with his lips. Heero felt the desperate need to join with Duo, even if Duo felt none of it. Heero shed his clothing quickly and practically ripped Duo out of his. When they were finally skin to skin, Heero shuddered and let his lips and hands travel the familiar planes of his lover's body.  
  
When Heero was sure that he had aroused Duo to his maximum peak, he coated himself with a generous dab of lube. He would make this memorable for Duo at all costs, not only because it was their first love making session since the coma, but because he was convinced that the physical contact would jar his emotional void.  
  
Gently, Heero entered Duo, suppressing the moans as best as he could. He could not see Duo's face because Duo was on his elbows and knees, but he could feel Duo tense up in pleasure. He set the rhythm, moving slowly at first, then intensifying each stroke with more pressure and speed. In the end, when he felt Duo orgasm, he could not remember for what reason he was making love to Duo. All that was important to Heero at the last moments was that he was finally with Duo the way it was meant to be.  
  
+  
  
Heero cuddled Duo closer to his body and listened to his lover's breathing slow down. Their love making had blown his mind away as usual. Heero could only define it as magical, something that he would have with no one else. He looked at Duo, waiting for a response of some kind. Duo craned his neck to look at Heero. Heero felt his heart stop.  
  
"That was nice, Heero. Good night."  
  
Dumbfounded, Heero could only watch as his lover fell asleep in his arms. He had said that it was nice.  
  
Like the weather. Or the television show. Or a pair of socks.  
  
Nice.  
  
Heero hugged Duo tighter and sobbed softly into Duo's long hair. It was hopeless then, to try to make Duo remember. The hot tears traveled down Duo's hair, each droplet lost to the mass of golden brown. Duo would not remember. For the rest of his life, Heero would be nothing but nice to him. Plain nice. No more passion, anger, the fire of life.  
  
'It hurts to see me through your eyes now, Duo.'  
  
More tears fell.  
  
'But it's okay. I understand that this is my punishment. I won't leave you. Even if you never say you love me, never feel it for me, I will stay by your side.'  
  
Duo slept on, not noticing the tears in his hair. 


	3. Numbness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by 0083 
> 
> the angst bunnies are being shooed back into their cages. less angst, moving towards something happier..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

Heero and Duo's life settled into routine. Everyday, they woke up and had breakfast. Heero drove them to their work, had lunch together when the time came, returned to their apartment, ate dinner and went to sleep. There were no surprises, no spontaneous shows of affection, no sudden change in plans.  
  
There had been a time when Heero had been deathly afraid of Duo's mercurial nature, a time when his own feelings had overwhelmed him into running away. But now, after his admission to himself, to Duo, he wanted the life he had with Duo before all this mess. He wanted Duo to annoy him, shower him with love, yell at him, anything but blandly smile at him and tell him that everything was nice. He missed the laughing, crying emotional idiot.  
  
But he said nothing. To Duo, everything was perfectly normal. Heero would not ruin it for Duo. Not again. Life was uneventful and Heero was slowly dying underneath the weight of it all.  
  
+  
  
Trowa sat uncomfortably at his desk, listening to the mildly cheery voice that belonged to Duo. Currently, Duo was explaining the new mission parameters with a patience that defied logic. In the past, Duo's words would have tumbled over each other in haste to get out, his sentences punctuated by joking comments to lighten the mood. Trowa spaced out, thinking about the past. His eyes glazed over fondly as he remembered Duo complaining about their missions using colorful language. Those were the fun days.  
  
"Trowa, are you listening?"  
  
Duo's inquiry broke through Trowa's musings. Startled that he could drift off during a mission briefing, Trowa nodded in embarrassment, assuring Duo that he had understood. Duo smiled slightly and handed him a package which probably contained the details of the new mission. Trowa could only stare as Duo walked out of his office.  
  
'He really has changed.'  
  
Trowa shook his head clear of the disturbing thought and paged Quatre. They were going to go to Heero and Duo's apartment tonight for dinner, invited or not. It had been three months already and Duo had not come out of the strange mood funk. It was time to take action.  
  
+  
  
Spaghetti and meatballs. Bland, normal, nothing offensive or creative. It was a meal contrived by a normal person with no outlandish tastes. A meal created by Duo.  
  
Quatre nor Trowa could quite eat the meal, but not because it was not tasty. They were used to Duo cooking up something weird from his imaginations and using them as guinea pigs. They carefully looked at Duo who was serenely slurping up spaghetti as if nothing was wrong. Heero, for his part, was trying to eat rather unsuccessfully.  
  
When dinner was done, all four cleaned up the table with nary a word, stacking plates into the dishwasher and clearing the table. It was the most uneventful dinner and it bothered Quatre and Trowa to no end. Heero seemed to be taking it like he was used to it, but Quatre's sixth sense picked up a dulling numbness from the stoic man. A numbness so intense that it was nearly painful.  
  
There was a severe lack of conversation, yet another deviation from the old days. Unable to take the stifling silence, Quatre began to speak.  
  
"So, Duo, how was your first month back at the job?"  
  
Duo considered for a moment before disappointing Quatre.  
  
"It's going fine. The new mission seems okay. We're all going to work on it, so it will be like the old days, huh?"  
  
Quatre smiled faintly. There was no bubbling excitement, or even the residual complaint about the boring nature of their missions. There was just a quiet acceptance and a bland curiosity. Not giving up, Quatre pasted on a happy smile and continued.  
  
"Yeah. Remember that mission to Florence six months ago? I fell into the river by the Ponte Della Vecchio and you had to fish me out. That was funny."  
  
"It was. I remember it well."  
  
It was true that he remembered. But that was all.  
  
Trowa watched as his lover tried over and over again to get Duo to act like himself. And he felt his shoulders slump more and more as his lover failed to elicit nothing more than slight amusement out of Duo. He could say nothing as Quatre's efforts flagged and Heero's eyes lost more of its color as the evening droned on.  
  
Finally, Quatre lost some of his legendary patience when dealing with his friends. In a small huff, he practically ordered Heero to accompany him into the bedroom so that he could talk to the suffering man, leaving Trowa alone with Duo.  
  
+  
  
"Heero, what's wrong with you?"  
  
Mildly surprised, Heero faced Quatre. He had thought Quatre had ordered him in here to grill him about Duo's odd behavior, not his.  
  
"Me? Shouldn't you be more worried about Duo?"  
  
"I worry about Duo. I also worry about you. You lost some weight."  
  
Heero shrugged. He hadn't noticed.  
  
"More than that," Quatre continued in his concerned but angry voice, "you gave up."  
  
Heero paced, the frustration and sorrow he had kept silent rising to the surface.  
  
"So what if I did? What choice do I have?"  
  
Quatre ached for his friend, but he would not let him give up so easily.  
  
"You have choices, Heero. You can help him become better."  
  
"Don't you think I've tried? Don't you think I gave it my all? Damn it Quatre, don't you know it's killing me to see him like this, to know that I'll never get him back?"  
  
Ignoring the pain littering Heero's every movement, Quatre went for the jugular.  
  
"I know you tried, Heero! But you owe it to Duo to help him now. He helped you, didn't he? He made you feel! It took him two fucking years, but he did it. And you owe him no less!"  
  
Heero flinched. It had been a low blow.  
  
"That's not fair, Quatre."  
  
"I know. But it's true."  
  
Heero fell silent and his eyes filled with unshed tears. When he noticed that his eyes were once again filled, he let out a bark of a laugh.  
  
"I don't think I've ever cried this much before."  
  
Quatre nodded, encouraging Heero to go on, to let go of the imprisoning numbness within his heart.  
  
"I want him back so much, but I can't find a way. It hurts too much to try and have him smile at me without the force behind it. It hurts, Quatre. It hurts to know that he doesn't love me."  
  
Quatre walked over to Heero and put his arms around him in a comforting hug. Heero collapsed into them, nearly relieved that someone was there to support him. Soothingly, Quatre spoke.  
  
"He does love you, Heero. He really does, whether or not he knows it. Besides, you can't give up because of the pain. You know pain. You can work through it, I know you can. If it's for Duo, you would do it."  
  
"I would," Heero mumbled, "but this is a pain I haven't been conditioned to fight."  
  
"So learn, Heero. Learn to feel this pain. Don't lock it away."  
  
Quatre held Heero while he shed silent tears. Each tear thawed the numbness that had enveloped him. Each tear seared a path to Heero's pain, opening a new road for hope.  
  
+  
  
Quatre and Trowa drove to their home in silence, each contemplating what they had seen during the dinner. Quatre had already imparted to Trowa about Heero's dilemma, his voice hopeful about Heero's recovery. Trowa had yet to say anything about his time alone with Duo.  
  
"Okay, Trowa. Tell me what happened with Duo or I'm going to beat it out of you."  
  
Trowa smiled, knowing that his love was only half joking. If he dragged the silence out any longer, he just might end up trussed up and beaten like a piñata before the night was over. The thought brought a strangely kinky smile to his face, but his concern over Duo won out over the aberrant thought.  
  
"Duo loves Heero."  
  
"Are you sure, Quatre?"  
  
"Yes. He can't say it, he can't remember it, but somewhere deep inside, he knows it."  
  
Puzzled, Quatre threw Trowa a look filled with questions. Before he could verbalize them, Trowa obligingly continued.  
  
"Have you wondered why Duo stays with Heero still? Why he doesn't do something else? If everything was equally nice to Duo, he would have left."  
  
"Not if he is comfortable with where he is."  
  
"No, my love," Trowa said with a slight shake of his head, "it's not comfort. Duo admitted as much that the Heero he knows now is different than he remembers and it makes him uncomfortable. It's routine between them, but there is nothing comfortable about it."  
  
"So you think there is hope?"  
  
"I think there is a possibility."  
  
"Even better than hope."  
  
The two lovers made the rest of their drive without further words. Hope. Possibility. Those were words that made all the difference.  
  
+  
  
The song was a familiar one. The contralto voice lilted to mesh with the strings, each a counterpoint to the other, playing in perfect harmony. The voice sang with such melancholy and sorrow that it should have clashed with the joyous strings, but together, they somehow made a song more beautiful than either would have alone.  
  
Heero listened and smiled. This song was one of Duo's favorites. The soft and haunting song made him tremble with emotions, the ones that had been frozen by the numbness. It was liberating to let go of the pain, if only for a short while, to truly enjoy something. Heero looked over at Duo who sat beside him listening and humming. His face was rather bland in expression, but his low throated humming held something entirely different. While Duo's mind and face remained completely indifferent to the song, something in his heart was reaching out.  
  
'Maybe he had been reaching out all this time and I never noticed because I was too absorbed with my own pain and disappointment.'  
  
That thought made Heero sad. It had not been enough that he had caused pain to his lover and them made him into a mockery of his past self. He had to go and ignore his love's silent call because he had been too selfish. Earlier this evening, Quatre had given him hope. He would cling to it with all his might.  
  
'The smallest possibility is enough.'  
  
+  
  
The Devil pursed his lips. The mortal Duo Maxwell, he was a tenacious little thing. Even after giving up his emotions willingly, he was still fighting to regain it.  
  
"This is the thanks I get for being so damned nice."  
  
He spoke to no one in particular, but it was a goading thought nonetheless. He had fulfilled the mortal's wish and had taken the pain away. The mortal had known of the consequences, had been fully warned, and had still wished for it. And now, the mortal wanted it back. For some strange, oblique reason, the mortal Duo Maxwell wanted to be in pain again.  
  
"Humans.. strange, vexing creatures.. no wonder they lead such miserable lives most of the times." But the Devil knew that his thought was flawed. He squinted at the glowing ball in his hand, the ball that contained all the pain and sorrow that had been Duo Maxwell's. But underneath it, he could see the bright aura of joy, love and happiness. All entwined so intimately with the pain and sadness.  
  
"Strange.. You wish and you wish, Duo Maxwell. Then you receive your wish. Then you have to go and try to take it back. Do you want your pain back so soon?" Nothing answered him.  
  
"I told you, Duo Maxwell, the Devil does not deal fairly. What you gave up, you cannot have again." And somewhere within the recess of his mind, the Devil heard a voice tinged with humor and a bit of mockery.  
  
'Neither does Shinigami.'  
  
"Well, mortal, if you want your emotions back, you have to wish for it. But you can't wish for what you don't remember. Can't wish for something you don't know."  
  
But the Devil sat and contemplated a little. The other mortal associated with this Duo Maxwell, this Heero Yuy, he was also an interesting specimen.  
  
"So, Shinigami, want to play a game of wishing for higher stakes?"  
  
The Devil laughed. As if there would be a response. "I'll say this much. You two entertain me. So, I will raise the stakes."  
  
With a small swirling of the infernal air, the Devil, for the second time in his existence, went to the surface to grant a mortal's wish.  
+  
  
  
Heero looked around with a faint frown on his face. He was sure that this was a dream, but it was so real. The water, the cliffs, the green hills. It was the same place that he and Duo had gone for vacation not too long ago before he had left him. It was the place that he had fallen from his emotional perch, the place that had been the witness to his realization that he loved Duo more than he could handle.  
  
"Nice place."  
  
Startled, Heero turned to see with disbelieving eyes. His lover, Duo Maxwell, was walking towards him with a mischievous grin on his lively face. It was an expression that he had not seen in months.  
  
'So it is a dream.'  
  
His lover chuckled.  
  
"You're a bright one. Of course it is. But then again.. dreams, reality, who can really tell."  
  
Heero narrowed his eyes. Something was a little off. His instincts screamed and his body tensed.  
  
"You're not Duo."  
  
"Another bright observation. Of course not."  
  
Heero changed his stance slightly so that he could either tackle the stranger with is lover's face or bolt at a moment's notice. Somewhere, he thought it rather ridiculous that he was getting ready for a confrontation in his dream.  
  
"Anyway, Heero Yuy the mortal, I'm here to grant your wish."  
  
"Wish?"  
  
"Yes," said Duo's look alike with an exasperated voice, "a wish, just like I granted for Duo Maxwell."  
  
Suspicion wormed its way through Heero's system and lodged in his heart.  
  
"What did you do to Duo?"  
  
The figure rolled his eyes.  
  
"Why do I always get the bad rap? Because of shit like this. I granted Duo Maxwell's wish that he never remember or feel pain again. I was being nice."  
  
A low snarl erupted from Heero and he had to consciously control his dream body from maiming the being.  
  
"You made Duo like that? You turned him into.. THAT?"  
  
"No. He did that all by himself. He wanted to forget pain. So, in an essence, he made the choice and I'm, as they say, only the middleman."  
  
Heero trembled with anger and rage.  
  
"What are you?"  
  
"The Devil."  
  
"Right."  
  
The being rolled his eyes again. It seemed to be one of his favorite expressions.  
  
"Fine, don't believe me. But I'm here to offer you something. Something you wish for."  
  
The being held out his hand and in the palm danced a bright ball of pure light.  
  
"What I hold in my hand is Duo Maxwell's emotions." Heero gasped, unwittingly taking a step toward the enticing light.  
  
"But, you can't have it just yet."  
  
"I'll kill you if you don't give that back to Duo."  
  
"Yes, I've heard it all before. But, I can't give it back if he doesn't wish for it."  
  
"You said you'd grant me a wish. Give it back to him."  
  
The being wagged his finger impishly in front of Heero's face.  
  
"Not so easy. Every wish has a consequence. Duo Maxwell's wish wiped out not only his pain but all his joys. Your wish.. Let's just say that if this returns to Duo Maxwell, he will remember the pain that caused this interesting fiasco in the first place."  
  
Heero stared dumbly, not quite understanding what the being was saying. Sighing, the being explained.  
  
"Okay. If you wish Duo Maxwell to have his emotions back, you are going to cause him pain again. Not just a little pain, but big amounts of it. Staggering. The kind of pain that even makes me sick. And more than that, there are his emotions. You can wish it back, but if he doesn't want it, wish it, it won't go back to him."  
  
The being let out a silent laugh.  
  
"I told you it wasn't easy. I told Duo Maxwell that I never dealt fairly and that silly mortal told me Shinigami doesn't either."  
  
Heero smiled. That was something Duo would have said.  
  
"And you know, he really doesn't deal fairly. Gives me a run for my money, that's for sure. This ball keeps trying to bounce back to him. Every passing day, the ball bounces more. Something about you, spending time with you, makes him want more. Damn that mortal."  
  
Hope lit up Heero's eyes to a brilliant cobalt. Hope. It was there.  
  
"So, seems like I can't keep it without a lot of attention on my part. So I'm gonna grant you your wish, mortal, but under one condition."  
  
"Name it."  
  
"Make Duo Maxwell wish for the pain. When he wishes for the pain, he can have his emotions back and you can have your wish."  
  
Still laughing, the Devil disappeared out Heero's dream.  
  
+  
  
Heero woke with a start. Next to him, Duo slept soundlessly, not even waking up to check if he was okay. Quietly, Heero got out of their bed and sat by the window. He stared at his lover, mesmerized by the shadows and moonlight playing on his features. He could get Duo back, but at a great price. Not to himself, but to Duo. Duo had to pay the price. Could he cause his love so much pain again? Was it worth to Duo? Would it be selfish of him to even consider?  
  
"What do you wish, Duo?"  
  
Heero's whispered question breezed over Duo's sleeping figure. And to his surprise, he saw a lone tear streaking down his lover's sleeping face. Heero got closer to Duo and put his face next to his lover's.  
  
"What do you want, Duo?"  
  
Another tear traveled down Duo's face.  
  
With a little more force, more emotions, Heero asked his sleeping lover once again.  
  
"What is that you wish for, Duo?"  
  
As Heero watched intently, a soft sigh and a word escaped Duo's lips.  
  
"Myself."


	4. The Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by 0083

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

Heero folded laundry. His boxers and Duo's boxers intermingled in an interesting display of affection that the lovers had not shown in a long time. Duo's outrageous boxers colored in vibrant colors teased Heero's staid and uniform boxers, seducing the boring underwear to join the wild side.  
  
Heero smiled at his mind's own metaphor. It had been a week since his dream about getting Duo back, since the night that Duo cried in his sleep. He had yet to figure out what he could do or if he could possibly do it.  
  
And throughout Heero's time of dilemma and inaction, Duo floated through life in a contented atmosphere. But to Heero's now unclouded eyes, darker and more lively emotions danced beneath the surface. Heero kept folding, occasionally turning his eyes to Duo's prone form on the couch. He had to find a way to bring Duo back, even if it meant that he would lose Duo in the process.  
  
'I must do it for him, so that he can live his life again. It's immaterial whether or not I'm happy. I have to bring Duo back only for him.'  
  
Heero smiled lightly. Only a week ago, he had wallowed in misery because he had been suffering from Duo's condition. It had taken a dream and a demon to wake him to that selfish fact. He would no longer think only of himself and how Duo's actions were hurting him. It was time that he thought about his love's needs, Duo's wants, instead of his. After all, it had been his selfish fear of love that had driven Duo to make the bargain. It was fitting that only by being selfless that he could present Duo with the best gift in the world, the gift of wholeness.  
  
'I'm sorry, Duo, for being a selfish bastard,' Heero thought as his hands mindlessly folded, 'but I'm going to fix it all. I'm going to make sure that you laugh again.'  
  
+  
  
Duo shifted in his seat uncomfortably, fidgeting left and right. The couch was comfortable, it had always been his choice of seating when they had company over. The cushions were soft and lush without sinking too low. The couch wasn't supposed to make him fidget. But he was not comfortable. He kept feeling that something was amiss, something he couldn't put his finger on just yet.  
  
It could not be Quatre for he always made Duo feel nice with his gentle caring ways. It wasn't Trowa since Duo was used to his stoic but friendly demeanor. Nor could it be Heero because he lived with his lover everyday and never felt unsettled. Did he?  
  
Duo looked around at his friends and lover talking about their past missions and memories with small smiles, occasional grimaces and some laughter. They were enjoying themselves, discussing such things as politics, how to get stains out of shirts and gun maintenance. Duo wanted to join in the conversation, like he had in the past. He distinctly remembered talking a lot, practically babbling about things. But now, it was as it someone had turned off the faucet to his words. And somehow, it irritated him.  
  
It was long after the moon rose that Quatre and Trowa left. Duo was still sitting uncomfortably on the couch hours after they had left. He was thinking about the evening and contemplating the differences between now and the past. It seemed that he was missing something. But what it was.. he didn't know.Duo had noticed the smiles that his two friends bestowed upon each other. Their faces had been lit with a soft light, an inner glow that seemed unearthly. Their eyes had sparked with something as well. The way they touched each other seemed to mean more than just mere physical contact and their voices changed tones when addressing each other. It was so different from how he acted with Heero. He wondered if Heero had noticed it as well.  
  
Frowning lightly, Duo got off the couch and padded into the bedroom. He could hear Heero just finishing his shower and knew Heero would make his way into the bedroom as well. He had to ask Heero. Something. Heero stared in well concealed surprise when he stepped into the bedroom and found Duo sitting on their bed with his knees drawn up to his face. Duo's posture spoke of confusion but his face was shadowed only by curiosity. It was yet another moment of incongruity, yet another chink in the bargain.  
  
"Heero. I want to ask you something."  
  
Nodding, Heero sat next to Duo on the bed. He forced his heart to slow down and pay attention to Duo. The proximity, he could handle. The hesitant touch of.. fear? Anger? Pain?.. in Duo's voice had given him a way to help. A little push, and Duo might get his emotions back.  
  
"Ask anything you want, Duo."  
  
Duo pursed his lips in thought. Before, it had seem logical to ask Heero about the difference between now and then in their relationship. But now, it seemed so strange, almost trivial. He did not remember Heero ever being truly observant of their emotional interactions in the past. But he had to ask. There were questions that he seemed incapable of answering. Incapable or unwilling.  
  
"Well," Duo began, his voice ripe with hesitation, "what was I like before.. you know.. before I was in the hospital?"  
  
Heero swallowed thickly, unable to respond immediately to the question. If Duo was asking, then he must have noticed consciously that something was not right with him. Hope flared brightly, lighting his cobalt blue eyes fiercely.  
  
"You don't remember how you were?"  
  
"That's the thing, Heero. I do and I don't. I'm out of sorts here."  
  
Heero took Duo's hands gently in his and looked into the confused violet eyes. This was his chance to help Duo. His chance at redemption.  
  
"You laughed."  
  
Duo stared into Heero's eyes, not yet able to comprehend the full magnitude of Heero's words. "I still laugh, Heero."  
  
"No," Heero said shaking his head, "you chuckle. You smile. You giggle. You have not laughed yet."  
  
The violet eyes still held confusion. Patiently, Heero elaborated.  
  
"You used to have this laugh, you know. It was something that came from deep within, starting with a rumble that burst out like a firecracker. It drew everyone's attention, rang in the air."  
  
"Huh."  
  
Duo's monosyllabic answer drew Heero to ramble more, quite the opposite from the past situations.  
  
"You watched me when you thought I was sleeping, mumbling beautiful words into my ear, stroking my hair. You exploded in anger when I accidentally used the last of your conditioner. You fed stray dogs your lunch and tried to convince me with teary eyes that we needed a flea bitten mongrel in our apartment. You punched a whole in the wall when the job became frustrating. You wrote your name in large hickeys across my stomach for Valentine's Day. You danced with abandon when we went to clubs. You picked fights for the sheer joy of confrontation. You moaned and shuddered, shouting my name when we made love. You.."  
  
Heero continued while Duo sat numbly listening to every word. Had he really been all that and more, as Heero described? He remembered, but it was like watching someone else. All that exuberant energy, those vibrant emotions, they were foreign now. But Duo knew, if he strained just a little, grasped a little harder, then he would finally understand his past. Maybe then he could explain why he felt so irritated when he could not duplicate his past actions.  
  
"Say, Heero," Duo broke into Heero's description of his past, "let me ask you something else, okay?"  
  
Heero nodded, immediately stopping his flow of words. Something in Duo's voice was shaken, its tone lost and almost.. afraid.  
  
"Do you remember how I was when you left, Heero? I mean, I know how I was when I woke up, just fine like I had taken a nap. But before that. When you left.. Was I.. well, how was I?"  
  
Tears gathered behind Heero's eyes. How could he say? He had been long gone by the time Duo had gone over the edge. He had been nothing but a cowardly note on the coffee table, empty drawers and closet space, a bag packed in a hurry and in fear.  
  
"I.. I honestly don't know, Duo. Only you do."  
  
Duo nodded mutely. He should have known that only he had the answers. Not even Heero who knew him best past and present could answer a question like that.  
  
"Do you want me to help you remember?"  
  
Duo carefully considered his options. Did he really want to know? Something deep inside him told him yes, that it was his right, his life. But on the surface, he could not honestly see why he had to know. He was content, wasn't he? He had everything, didn't he? He could live his life like this, couldn't he?  
  
However, despite his mind's frantic pleas to stop the questioning, his heart won the race to control his mouth and formed words.  
  
"Yeah, Heero. Help me."  
  
"Okay."  
  
There was silence for a while as both boys tried to figure out what to do next. Duo didn't know how Heero could help and Heero did not know what to say. The impasse lasted until Heero decided to take the initiative. Taking a deep breath, he began. "What do you remember first about when I left?"  
  
Duo blurted out his answer without even thinking. "I had come home from work. I had some take out food with me because it was my turn to cook dinner and I didn't want to. It was getting dark, the sun was setting. Then I saw your note on the coffee table. I thought it was going to say that you had stepped out for groceries or something."  
  
Heero nodded, his heart clenching at the scene depicted before him. He could almost see it, Duo coming home with a happy air because work had ended, probably calling out his name.  
  
"I put the food down and went over to read the note. It said 'I can't do this. I am going to Relena. I need her.' I dropped the note and searched the apartment only to find that you were really gone." The nausea and pain tore at Heero's insides, shredding his heart and soul. He had hurt Duo. No. He had destroyed him.  
  
"Then I cried and screamed. Strange, right? I did it until I passed out on the floor of our bedroom. Then I woke up in the hospital."  
  
Duo stopped and looked at Heero once more. Heero was a mass of tightened muscles, coiled to the point of breaking. His fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were about to break skin. He could hear Heero's teeth grinding, an unsettling sound. Duo raised his hand to comfort his lover who was in distress. To his surprise, Duo saw that his hands were fisted much like Heero's, his nails digging into the palms of his hands drawing blood.  
  
Duo slowly unclenched his hands and watched the blood drip down his palm in apt fascination. When had he done this?  
  
"What the hell is going on, Heero? What is happening?"  
  
Heero raised his head at Duo's questions. His voice had shaken like a building rocked off its foundation, edges of panic clawing at him.  
  
"You're remembering, Duo."  
  
How simple that sounded, Heero thought bitterly. So simple, yet so painful.  
  
"What am I remembering? I don't understand!" Duo's voice rose higher. "I don't get it! I don't! I want to understand!" Duo began to shout. Heero could only watch in shock as his lover's voice became louder and louder. "I want to remember as it was, goddammit! I want to remember!"  
  
And then Duo's shouting became screaming. The frustration and confusion were gone from his voice but had been replaced by something worse. Duo screamed in pain.  
  
Heero tried to hold onto his love's screaming, shaking body only to be shoved away with enough force to crash him into the dresser. Ignoring Heero, Duo continued to scream, clutching his head, then his chest. Tears that fell like rain from his eyes, dripping and mingling with the blood from his hands. Heero could do nothing as he watched Duo scream and scream.  
  
Then as suddenly as it began, it ended.  
  
Duo passed out.  
  
+  
  
Heero watched as Duo breathed in his unconscious state. After he had passed out, Heero had finally pulled himself back together enough to clean up his love and put him in bed. Now, Heero laid next to Duo carefully without touching him.  
  
'You are whole now.'  
  
Heero closed his eyes as tears began to fall.  
  
'And you're in pain.'  
  
He clenched his teeth until his jaw hurt.  
  
'I'm sorry.'  
  
That was Heero's last thought as he passed into unsettled slumber.  
  
+  
  
Heero scanned the horizon. It was the dream again. The grassy fields, the flowers, the memories. And the imposter with his lover's face and body.  
  
"Imposter isn't a nice word."  
  
Heero spun, his hand reaching for a gun he knew he didn't have. He doubted the gun would have done any good anyway. He couldn't shoot someone who looked exactly like his lover.  
  
"What do you want, imposter?"  
  
The Devil sighed melodramatically.  
  
"I'm always so misunderstood. Sheesh, you'd think after Milton was through with me I'd get some understanding, but no."  
  
"Do you have a point or are you just here to complain?"  
  
Rolling his borrowed form's violet eyes, the Devil clucked his tongue like a mother hen.  
  
"My, my. So impolite, these mortals these days. There was a time when all the mortals trembled before my name."  
  
"Hn."  
  
"Well," the Devil continued, "I'm here to say congrats. Or maybe sorry. Or something else entirely. Can't believe Duo Maxwell wished for it. I thought better of him."  
  
"What do you know of him, demon?" Heero snarled, "He wanted to be himself again. It was something only he could give to himself and he knew it. He did it for himself."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I don't really care, you know? It's just that he's in unbelievable pain again and it's making me kind of sick to my stomach. I mean, what is it about you mortals and suffering? What gives you the sadistic need to feel pain?"  
  
"It's as you said, isn't it," Heero replied in a deadly voice, "you can't know joy unless you know pain."  
  
"Yes. True, mortal. You cannot know Heaven unless you know Hell."  
  
The Devil got a distant look in his eyes.  
  
"I know Hell. Before it, I took Heaven for granted. It was there, this beautiful, pulsating, glorious thing. All around, inside and out. Then I threw it away for something selfish and got cast into Hell. Only then did I truly know Heaven, what I truly threw away."  
  
The Devil shook his head and stared at Heero. "But you know what I'm talking about, don't you mortal? And you know you can never have it back, don't you? You can see it, practically smell it, but it's forever out of your reach. We are the same like that, mortal. All we want to do is find our way back to our Heaven."  
  
Heero could not believe that the Devil was sympathizing with him, but what he said rang true.  
  
Too true.  
  
"Maybe Heaven will forgive you. And Duo will forgive me."  
  
"Such confidence, such arrogance, such pride. It has been an eternity since I threw away my Heaven and it has yet to forgive me. What makes you so sure that Duo Maxwell will forgive you?"  
  
"Because he loves me."  
  
"Yeah, well, Heaven loved me too. And you know, supposedly, there is no love more eternal nor pure as the one from Heaven, the one from God. Still, I languish in Hell. As will you."  
  
Heero smirked at the Devil. It was much akin to Duo's.  
  
"Didn't Duo tell you? He's not God. He's Shinigami."  
  
With that, Heero stepped out of his dream.  
  
+  
  
When Heero opened his eyes, he found himself staring straight into violet. His lover's eyes loomed above him like a death sentence. Then Duo spoke, his words as soft as the dawn.  
  
"I hated you."  
  
"You had every right."  
  
"I cried."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"I hurt."  
  
"I know."  
  
"The pain is unbelievable."  
  
Duo paused and closed his eyes. Heero felt tears drip onto his face and could not restrain his own tears from sliding down his face onto the pillow.  
  
"You hurt me more than anything ever had."  
  
Heero could only stare at Duo's fractured eyes.  
  
"I hate you so much. I never want to forgive you."  
  
Heero's body trembled. Was the demon right? Would there be nothing but hell for him as well?  
  
"I haven't forgiven you."  
  
Fires of hell were bright, searing close to the bone.  
  
"But I know I will."  
  
Relief washed the fires away, leaving a cool comforting feeling behind.  
  
"Not now, not tomorrow, maybe not a year from now, but someday, I will, Heero."  
  
That was all he could ask. He had no right to ask for more from Duo.  
  
"Until then, good bye."  
  
Heero did nothing but drink in the sight that was his one true love. Heero did nothing as Duo got up and packed his things. Heero did nothing as Duo left. He could do nothing. Not even say good bye.  
  
+  
  
"Happy birthday, Heero!"  
  
Heero smiled a little at Quatre's announcement. They were sitting at a restaurant, just having finished with their celebratory dinner. Trowa sat next to Quatre, his eyes echoing the sentiment without words. Even Wufei relented enough to mumble a birthday greeting.  
  
"Thank you, Quatre, Trowa, Wufei."  
  
"So Heero," Wufei said with a slight smirk in his voice, "how does it feel to be 25? Quarter of a century?"  
  
"I don't know, Wufei. It doesn't feel any different than 24."  
  
"Gad, that's a bland answer. That's you all right, Heero."  
  
Heero and Wufei continued their verbal sparring, occasionally stopping to take a drink or bite out of the birthday cake. Quatre and Trowa joined in intermittently, making snide comments about Heero's age despite the fact that they were all the same age.  
  
After the dinner, they all parted ways, each going home to rest before work the next day. Quatre and Trowa walked the short distance back to their apartment hand in hand, the warmth of their bodies mingling gently in the space between.  
  
"Heero looked content."  
  
"Trowa, I don't think he is."  
  
"I know, but he looks it."  
  
"Six years.. Trowa, it has been six years since Duo left. He has not given up yet."  
  
"No. He can't give up."  
  
"I know love. Hope. Duo gave it to him."  
  
Neither said it, but both wished the same thing. They wished that hope was not the last gift Duo would give Heero.  
  
+  
  
Heero clicked the door shut and walked into his dark apartment. He did not bother with the lights as he made his way to the couch and sat. It was the same couch Duo had loved so much. Unbidden, a song floated through his head.  
  
'It's my party and I can cry if I want to.'  
  
"Yeah," Heero said out loud, "and you would cry too if it happened to you."  
  
"And what happened to you?"  
  
Heero snapped his head towards the voice in the dark. Oh gods, the voice. It was the one that he had longed to hear for so long.  
  
"Duo."  
  
A shadowy figure materialized out of the darkness and into the dim living room. Duo stepped into the dark space lit only by the dim city lights.  
  
Heero stared at Duo like a starving man stared at a banquet, his eyes unbelieving, his heart hammering, his mind at a loss for words. It was Duo. In their apartment.  
  
"Happy birthday, Heero."  
  
Heero stood gingerly like an old man because his legs would not stop shaking. He stood and faced Duo, a scant distance of two feet between them.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Duo smiled at Heero's numb voice. Behind the shock, Duo could sense joy, love, regret, longing.  
  
Everything.  
  
"I have a gift for you, Heero."  
  
Heero nodded dumbly. What could he really say after six years? Fall on his knees and beg forgiveness like he wanted to? Maybe he should. Or Duo might leave again. But before he could, Duo spoke.  
  
"I forgive you."  
  
Heero's heart stopped.  
  
"I love you."  
  
His soul sang.  
  
"Let me come back to you."  
  
His body hurtled forward and finally held Duo. His arms squeezed the form, his nose inhaled the missed scent, his lips sought soft skin. It was real. It was happening. Forgiveness. Love. The future.  
  
+  
  
Deep below the surface, the Devil smiled.  
  
"Well, I'll be damned. Wait, I _am_ damned."  
  
The Devil chuckled mirthlessly. Those two mortals.. They could teach lessons.  
  
"A love that surpasses Heaven. A pain that surpasses Hell. Two mortals that surpass the divine and the damned."  
  
The smile widened. They had given him something he had not dared to have. A gift.  
  
Hope.


End file.
